Here are my OB/GYN stories. They literally horrify me (as in, physically forever), so I was always reluctant to share. But I hope you find them "beautiful" in its historical record of pain and suffering in my interactions with pussy doctors.
The Pervert
2023 was the first time I ever mentioned to a new friend that at Virginia Tech’s health center in 1997 a “doctor” of gynecology examined the health of my vagina by simultaneiously sticking another finger up my ass.
And I’m thinking, “Are you sure you’re not a doctor of proctology? Because I’m here for a the hormonal injection to my ass that will prevent me from getting pregnant. And even as a mere 18 year old, I’m 100% positive that that’s my asshole, ‘sir’.'
“Or are you measuring the width of my perineum for the mathematical probablity that aiming at the wrong one during sex is an ‘honest mistake’ because the two holes are just too fucking close together and the more convenient one is sexier?”
i.e.…”you tripped in the hallway and accidentally stuck your dick into my wife” -Bruce Willis (from some movie)
Either way, there were no other witnesses and it was my first gynecological exam to qualify for the 6-month-lasting pregnancy vaccine that was called Depo Provera that no (in 2024) you can join a class action lawsuit against if you ever used it and developed brain tumors.
The Pro-Feminist
I let a room full of nurses in the ER last year know that after having had (1) Depo Provera shot during college my very next Pap Smear test was abnormal. And I reenacted his response to my question in terms of cancer. The doctor put up the 5 fingers on one hand and said, “If the Thumb is Stage 1 Cancer, you’re here,” as he pointed to his pinky finger. Then he had the audacity to ask, “So are you ready for your next shot?”
WTF?!
I said no, and I left.
The Ignorant Instigator
In 2004, a doctor prescribed me some “low class” particle inhaler for bronchititis, and after using it for a few days read through it’s book of fine print saying that if you could be pregnant, you shouldn’t take this. And I honestly hadn’t thought about that question until that moment… and it turned out I was.
I went back to the same doctor and he changed my prescription. But then during my pregnancy I developed a yeast infection. I can’t remember, but I think I could buy Monistat over-the-counter at that time. But I went to my OB/GYN.
The Violent Clueless
This gynecologist was one of the doctors in rotation during my prenatal visit that said to use Monistat. I remember that upon inserting this “medicine” cream into my vagina at home that it felt like I just gucked up my hole with acid that was eating away, or burning my pussy alive.
Then my “yeast infection” became so painful that having the lips of my labia touch at all, but especially when I’m walking became debilitating.
I returned to that same doctor, and wrote a letter to the American Medical Association about the unnecessary violence and pain he inflicted by shoving his fingers up my visibly DAMAGED pussy after hearing me complain about him being wrong about his medical prescription and its unwanted effects on me.
After NOT admitting he was wrong and HURTING me instead, he said, use Monistat.
They Don’t Make ‘em Like They Used To
God Bless my mom, who was still alive at the time, who took me to her soon-to-be-retired OB-GYN that delivered me. He took one look at my pussy and said, “You know, you shouldn’t be wiping yourself with sandpaper.”
And that tiny bit of acknowledgement of my pain and suffering was the kind of compassion I needed. He prescribed me an old-school drug called Nystatin, that came in a hard tablet. It didn’t “bibbity-bobbity-boo” my pussy labia back to the way it was, but it cured my yeast infection near INSTANTLY.
The Flaky Bitch
Insert Angelina’s subsequent birth story here:
(or just list complaints because I’m tired of telling it)
FILAK said she’d like to schedule my daughter’s birth for August 10
FILAK gave me a FUCK TON of Petocin around 8am
FILAK burst Angelina’s amniotic sack in my womb an hour later
At some point nurses coerced me to get an Epidural because (the one I spoke with said: I’ve had natural child birth, and this isn’t it.) Basically confirming, “FILAK gave you a FUCK TON of Petocin”
Epidural completely numbs all feeling and pain on just 1 half of my body (in you think of it as vertically divided,, but since Dr. Flaky Bitch has no concept of time and doesn’t get paid if she AIN’T present, the nurses tell me to get on all fours, that is on my hands and knees on the bed to wait for “REAL ASS DISASTERS” I guess.
I was near fully dilated at noon.
Yeah I got an epidural on HALF of my body (I think it was JUST the right side)), but let me see if I can position my other leg with my arms so you can “do me doggy-style” once I can stop gripping this bed rail like a fucking crack addict first from your anesthesiologists botched up SHIT.
And after the doctor arrives and Angelina is in face presentation with her hand on her cheek patiently waiting for this bitch’s incompetence, flaky bitch fails to turn the baby, or perform an episiotomy and I push my daughter out when “they told me to” and ripped my shit wide open.
FILAK can’t SEW for shit either.
Nor can FILAK send the bill for the day she appointed during the year it occurred.
FILAK waited for the new year to send the August bill, so that I could REPAY my $2,000 deductible in 2006.
In Conclusion
My verbal testimonies are much more light-hearted and entertaining, so I think I've forgiven the anonymous dickheads. I mean, I DID forget their names.
21 Then Peter came and said to him: “Lord, how many times is my brother to sin against me and am I to forgive him? Up to seven times?”22 Jesus said to him: “I say to you, not up to seven times, but up to 77 times.+23 “That is why the Kingdom of the heavens may be likened to a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves. 24 When he started to settle them, a man was brought in who owed him 10,000 talents.* 25 But because he did not have the means to pay it back, his master ordered him and his wife and his children and all the things he owned to be sold and payment to be made.+ 26 So the slave fell down and did obeisance* to him, saying, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay back everything to you.’ 27 Moved with pity at this, the master of that slave let him off and canceled his debt.+ 28 But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves, who owed him 100 de·narʹi·i,* and grabbed him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back whatever you owe.’ 29 So his fellow slave fell down and began to beg him, saying, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ 30 However, he was not willing, but he went and had him thrown into prison until he could pay back what he owed. 31 When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they became greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all the things that had happened. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him: ‘Wicked slave, I canceled all that debt for you when you pleaded with me. 33 Should you not also have shown mercy to your fellow slave as I showed mercy to you?’+ 34 With that his master, provoked to wrath, handed him over to the jailers until he repaid all that he owed. 35 My heavenly Father will also deal with you in the same way+ if each of you does not forgive your brother from your heart.”+
Do I believe "bad things happen to good people?"
yes. "Again, and again, and again."
I hoped this illuminates some possible reasons why bitches be cranky.
It appears women outlive their usefulness if "past your prime" is numbered 35+ and have been mistakenly bred out, or created an endangered species in China.
But just to imagine a world where money isn't a measure of a parent's unconditional love. You can see that love can still exist. With or without mom.
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